crazy times, but i have one proud anouncement to make.
I HAVE FRIENDS. :)
as in, friends at uni, besides the one friend iv had since week one. i now have a group of people i hang out with, and have hung out with OUTSIDE uni.
wow. i am so pleased with myself :)
aside from this revelation.... met joe in the bus again today, wednsday seems to be my "lucky day". no tears this time tho, so alls well. im doing well. im coping, and pretty well, too :)
holidays are almost here, and oh i cant wait! last work to hand in today, its really weird to be able to relax. well, i cant relax, i forgot how to. something to learn these holidays :)
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
oh the fucking irony...
i guess it simply had to happen today, didnt it?
our aniversary... and the first time ever i saw him on the bus. i dunno why, but i had a feeling this would happen. i really and truly did. but it was still a huge shock, it actually happening. this kind of thing simply doesnt happen in real life. it just doesnt.
he wasnt at the bus stop. i got on, there were many people behind me. i sat down, with all my stuff, got out my book. looked up, and there he was, standing in the door. he didnt see me, sat down at the other end of the bus. i looked at him, looked at my book, back at him. couldnt keep my eyes off him. of course not, how could i?! i loved him. maybe i still do. his face is etched into my brain, but it was so so good to see it again for real.
he met my eye. we smiled, awkwardly. i looked down. up again. down, up again. i couldnt read the words anyway....
it was only one stop before he got off again, his home stop, the one i pass every day, and every day i look up and wait for him to get on. but it simply had to be today, it had to be. before he got off, another smile. i laughed at him. it was all so stuipid.
once he left, once we had driven past him, i couldnt stop the tears...
oh, i was doing so so well. but today was different from any other day...
well the great news is, i think iv reached stage 5 of those 5 stages of grief. acceptance. im still sad, obviously, sometimes anyway. but its ok. everythings ok, really.
i guess it simply had to happen today, didnt it?
our aniversary... and the first time ever i saw him on the bus. i dunno why, but i had a feeling this would happen. i really and truly did. but it was still a huge shock, it actually happening. this kind of thing simply doesnt happen in real life. it just doesnt.
he wasnt at the bus stop. i got on, there were many people behind me. i sat down, with all my stuff, got out my book. looked up, and there he was, standing in the door. he didnt see me, sat down at the other end of the bus. i looked at him, looked at my book, back at him. couldnt keep my eyes off him. of course not, how could i?! i loved him. maybe i still do. his face is etched into my brain, but it was so so good to see it again for real.
he met my eye. we smiled, awkwardly. i looked down. up again. down, up again. i couldnt read the words anyway....
it was only one stop before he got off again, his home stop, the one i pass every day, and every day i look up and wait for him to get on. but it simply had to be today, it had to be. before he got off, another smile. i laughed at him. it was all so stuipid.
once he left, once we had driven past him, i couldnt stop the tears...
oh, i was doing so so well. but today was different from any other day...
well the great news is, i think iv reached stage 5 of those 5 stages of grief. acceptance. im still sad, obviously, sometimes anyway. but its ok. everythings ok, really.
Sunday, 6 December 2009
The Full Monty
as promised, my personal review of "The Full Monty - the musical", played in The English Theatre Frankfurt.
short summary of the storyline first: 6 jobless ex-steelworkers, who all worked in the now-closed-down factory together, decide to strip to earn some money. theyre all "normal people", so mostly not so great looking (although actually, i quite liked several of the guys...:D) which is kinda the charm of the whole thing. lots of ups and downs and emotional crisis, obviously. ends in a strip-show :)
now for the critique: one thing i simply must criticise is that the musical, written by an american i guess, has been rather americanised in comparison to the movie. including the jokes. and unfortunatly i feel the english dark humour is essential to the story, and so in that sense, the movie definatly beats the musical, by far, because the dialogues are just so much better. (although i must admit there were some good jokes i cant remember having heard before... my favorite: "well seeing the show would have killed her anyway" (one of the strippers talking about his very recently deceased mum))
also, although this is probably specific to this particular theatre: in the production i just saw, almost all actors where british, pretending to be americans, in the american version of a british film. i found that quite ironic, but also quite annoying. the result was a really weird mix of accents, depending on how good the actors were. not so great. ok, obviously a) we ARE in europe, and so british actors make sense, and b) admittedly, it's a mostly german audience, so really, you wouldnt expect people to notice. but in a so business-oriented town as frankfurt you can expect a reasonable amout of actual native-speakers, and for those... well i just found it annoying.
now for the positives: a) I LOVED the setting! as in, the stage design. so so clever, there was a conveyor belt in the ground of the stage, and on this belt chairs, tables, beds, anything, kinda rolled in and out depending on the scene! and in the cases where stagehands were needed they were dressed as factory workers, pushing stuff in and out. brilliant! especially cos the whole story is factory-orientated. absolutly genius, who ever designed it. im inspired. considering converting to stage design after my first degree in architecture (there is exactly one university in germany that actually does that, combine a degree in architecture with one in stage design - and thats in berlin! i love berlin!)
b) the end. obviously. those last 10 minutes where undoubtedly THE HIGHLIGHT of the show. and so anticipated. and really, really well done! i think the guys did a really really good job with the strip-show, and obviously the ladies in the crowd LOVED it. as did i! also, i think it was really really cleverly done. especially the end, obviously according to title, they end up doing "the full monty". but you only see their bits and pieces for a split-second, before the lights go out, and then you dont see anything. which i thought was really good, cos although obviously many woman probably tagged along for the naked men, really it was theatre, not a strip show. and they simply HAD to go all the way, because thats a major part of the story line, but by turning off the lights, i think everybody more or less kept their dignity. so well done on that. oh but the bit with the boxers in between? SO unnessesary. spoilt the fun a bit, i felt. but yeah, in general, great fun. i did feel rather like in a strip-show. and policeman-uniforms are simply never NOT sexy :)
conclusion: if youre a woman, go. men, its quite fun for you too. but maybe not quite as much as for the women. ;)
short summary of the storyline first: 6 jobless ex-steelworkers, who all worked in the now-closed-down factory together, decide to strip to earn some money. theyre all "normal people", so mostly not so great looking (although actually, i quite liked several of the guys...:D) which is kinda the charm of the whole thing. lots of ups and downs and emotional crisis, obviously. ends in a strip-show :)
now for the critique: one thing i simply must criticise is that the musical, written by an american i guess, has been rather americanised in comparison to the movie. including the jokes. and unfortunatly i feel the english dark humour is essential to the story, and so in that sense, the movie definatly beats the musical, by far, because the dialogues are just so much better. (although i must admit there were some good jokes i cant remember having heard before... my favorite: "well seeing the show would have killed her anyway" (one of the strippers talking about his very recently deceased mum))
also, although this is probably specific to this particular theatre: in the production i just saw, almost all actors where british, pretending to be americans, in the american version of a british film. i found that quite ironic, but also quite annoying. the result was a really weird mix of accents, depending on how good the actors were. not so great. ok, obviously a) we ARE in europe, and so british actors make sense, and b) admittedly, it's a mostly german audience, so really, you wouldnt expect people to notice. but in a so business-oriented town as frankfurt you can expect a reasonable amout of actual native-speakers, and for those... well i just found it annoying.
now for the positives: a) I LOVED the setting! as in, the stage design. so so clever, there was a conveyor belt in the ground of the stage, and on this belt chairs, tables, beds, anything, kinda rolled in and out depending on the scene! and in the cases where stagehands were needed they were dressed as factory workers, pushing stuff in and out. brilliant! especially cos the whole story is factory-orientated. absolutly genius, who ever designed it. im inspired. considering converting to stage design after my first degree in architecture (there is exactly one university in germany that actually does that, combine a degree in architecture with one in stage design - and thats in berlin! i love berlin!)
b) the end. obviously. those last 10 minutes where undoubtedly THE HIGHLIGHT of the show. and so anticipated. and really, really well done! i think the guys did a really really good job with the strip-show, and obviously the ladies in the crowd LOVED it. as did i! also, i think it was really really cleverly done. especially the end, obviously according to title, they end up doing "the full monty". but you only see their bits and pieces for a split-second, before the lights go out, and then you dont see anything. which i thought was really good, cos although obviously many woman probably tagged along for the naked men, really it was theatre, not a strip show. and they simply HAD to go all the way, because thats a major part of the story line, but by turning off the lights, i think everybody more or less kept their dignity. so well done on that. oh but the bit with the boxers in between? SO unnessesary. spoilt the fun a bit, i felt. but yeah, in general, great fun. i did feel rather like in a strip-show. and policeman-uniforms are simply never NOT sexy :)
conclusion: if youre a woman, go. men, its quite fun for you too. but maybe not quite as much as for the women. ;)
Saturday, 5 December 2009
IM BACK!!
night out with the girls - did some poledancing, stole a piece of pizza from a bouncer, kissed a girl (3, actually) - all in all, pretty succesful night!
and the best of it is - the old ME is well and truly back! no more moping about feeling sorry for myself.... and also, this is the ME before J, the ME before long term relationships, before broken hearts and boredom. this is the ME that people liked, the ME i was in england, the ME that turns the boys heads, me me me! and god, it feels good to be back. iv seen her coming back, over the last weeks, seen bits of her floating about, but now, its for sure - IM BACK!
and wow, life is so much fun all of a sudden. or maybe im still drunk. but suddenly, i feel just so much better about myself. so what if he broke my heart, so what if he turned out to be so very different from the guy i fell in love with - life goes on! and i AM attractive, some of the time anyway, when i get my hair and body under control, and gues DO like me, and really, its time to see whats out there!
its just a shame i wasted the last 3 years on someone who just wasnt worth it...
oh dear, this is rather like the last drunken ramblings i wrote. i should try blogging sober. but then again, i dont usually drink anyway, its just been these last two days... sober post coming up soon!
and the best of it is - the old ME is well and truly back! no more moping about feeling sorry for myself.... and also, this is the ME before J, the ME before long term relationships, before broken hearts and boredom. this is the ME that people liked, the ME i was in england, the ME that turns the boys heads, me me me! and god, it feels good to be back. iv seen her coming back, over the last weeks, seen bits of her floating about, but now, its for sure - IM BACK!
and wow, life is so much fun all of a sudden. or maybe im still drunk. but suddenly, i feel just so much better about myself. so what if he broke my heart, so what if he turned out to be so very different from the guy i fell in love with - life goes on! and i AM attractive, some of the time anyway, when i get my hair and body under control, and gues DO like me, and really, its time to see whats out there!
its just a shame i wasted the last 3 years on someone who just wasnt worth it...
oh dear, this is rather like the last drunken ramblings i wrote. i should try blogging sober. but then again, i dont usually drink anyway, its just been these last two days... sober post coming up soon!
Friday, 4 December 2009
some dizzy thoughts
now it may be because i spent a little too much time with my dear friend martini tonight, but im feeling rather talkative. i just got back from an 18th birthday, and actually i was feeling rather non-talkative all evening. but now i feel talkative.
for one thing, i felt really old tonight. i mean, most people there were kinda my age, maybe a year below or above. but all of them were either still in school (most of them in their last year) or working/doing apprenticeships or whatever its called when youre in that 3-year-process of learning a job. but none of them, absolutely none of them, was a university student. man, i felt old.
also, iv been thinking about this whole "Samson-affair". (there is this guy i kissed in a club last week, and iv decided to call him samson in this blog, cos it kinda suits him).
yes. hes hot. yes, i loved the way he kissed me, the way he touched me. yes, i cant stop thinking about him since.
but really, i think, i just like the idea of being loved, desired, of loving someone. i miss being close to someone, and i miss those hormones. between wednsday last week and monday i was high on hormones, but seeing him at uni on monday brought me back to earth, and iv been kinda down since. yeah, we had a good time. no, nothing is gonna develop from it. right now, i feel its a shame. but actually, its probably for the best. like i said, its not really that hes all that amazing... oh, actually he is. well, hes great in many ways. but not so great in others. and really bad in even more ways. but he did one thing - he made me feel rather good about myself.
i wonder.... how much of how we think about ourselves is really what other people see in us?
if i know people find me sexy - i feel sexy. fact. it makes me feel good about myself, to know guys want me. and although im really not that desperate for sex, what i do long for are those casual touches, that, for me, are the most important part of a relationship. those things you do, without even truly noticing. that slight brush of the hand.... yes, thats the thing i truly miss.
simplicity.
ooops, i think there is quite a bit of drunken rambling involved in this post. oh nevermind. alcohol causes honesty, and really, i plan to be totally honest here. i mean, where else?!
for one thing, i felt really old tonight. i mean, most people there were kinda my age, maybe a year below or above. but all of them were either still in school (most of them in their last year) or working/doing apprenticeships or whatever its called when youre in that 3-year-process of learning a job. but none of them, absolutely none of them, was a university student. man, i felt old.
also, iv been thinking about this whole "Samson-affair". (there is this guy i kissed in a club last week, and iv decided to call him samson in this blog, cos it kinda suits him).
yes. hes hot. yes, i loved the way he kissed me, the way he touched me. yes, i cant stop thinking about him since.
but really, i think, i just like the idea of being loved, desired, of loving someone. i miss being close to someone, and i miss those hormones. between wednsday last week and monday i was high on hormones, but seeing him at uni on monday brought me back to earth, and iv been kinda down since. yeah, we had a good time. no, nothing is gonna develop from it. right now, i feel its a shame. but actually, its probably for the best. like i said, its not really that hes all that amazing... oh, actually he is. well, hes great in many ways. but not so great in others. and really bad in even more ways. but he did one thing - he made me feel rather good about myself.
i wonder.... how much of how we think about ourselves is really what other people see in us?
if i know people find me sexy - i feel sexy. fact. it makes me feel good about myself, to know guys want me. and although im really not that desperate for sex, what i do long for are those casual touches, that, for me, are the most important part of a relationship. those things you do, without even truly noticing. that slight brush of the hand.... yes, thats the thing i truly miss.
simplicity.
ooops, i think there is quite a bit of drunken rambling involved in this post. oh nevermind. alcohol causes honesty, and really, i plan to be totally honest here. i mean, where else?!
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Russian Roulette
let's have fun, you say
nothing wrong with having fun.
you push my hair back
so softly
how about this? you say
you twirl me.
we twirl.
BANG! i fall.
you're mindblowing.
take a risk, you say
screw me?
screw you!
i'm just messing about,
you say, playing.
yes, you're playing
playing russian roulette with my heart...
no risk, no fun.
no risk...?
_____________________________________
edit:
im not so sure about the end... iv never written a poem like that. so far, my poems have always rhymed, but when i started to write it that way, it felt kinda childish
so im interested in (nice, as in friendly and non-insulting) criticisms!
nothing wrong with having fun.
you push my hair back
so softly
how about this? you say
you twirl me.
we twirl.
BANG! i fall.
you're mindblowing.
take a risk, you say
screw me?
screw you!
i'm just messing about,
you say, playing.
yes, you're playing
playing russian roulette with my heart...
no risk, no fun.
no risk...?
_____________________________________
edit:
im not so sure about the end... iv never written a poem like that. so far, my poems have always rhymed, but when i started to write it that way, it felt kinda childish
so im interested in (nice, as in friendly and non-insulting) criticisms!
Welcome me
here goes, new life, new blog - and maybe new love?
lets see what life has on hold for me...
lets see what life has on hold for me...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)