there is something increadably romantic about kissing a soldier in uniform goodbye in the snow....

*sigh*

i keep having these perfekt moments lately, and yet - none of them truly satisfies me. what is wrong with me?!

awkward

so.... this guy i made out with two weeks ago is currently at the house of the guy with whome i mad out with a week ago.

AWKWARD.

i just really really hope neither of them mentions it... i doubt the first will, he has his reasons for secrecy, but im worried the second might, and i really dont want the first to know, because....well, hes the guy from three posts ago, "in love with a dream" . and although iv kinda given up on that, i cant quite forget it, and i really really wouldnt want him to think im a slut....

but am i? i really dont know...

no, i dont think so. im just a lost soul searching for.... well, what? because really, i dont get much out of most of my "encounters"... (wow, this sounds like they happen daily... they dont! about twice a month, more like)
anyway - i dont usually get much happiness, apart from "in the moment" obviously. but afterwards, i usually end up feeling all the more empty. either, in most cases, because i usually realise that nobody can fill the gap that joe left, how ever hard i try to forget. sometimes, as is the case of mysterious nr. 1, because i had the feeling he might possibly manage, but then had to face the fact that no, it wasnt going to happen. not in this life. and that just ripes open the hole just a little bit deeper.

so really, why do i do it?

i guess i just dont want to give up hope... i guess i just want to be proven wrong.

hey, mr perfect, if youre out there - youd better get here fast, before i DO give up on you!

time to post one of my favorite poems - im very sorry, its german, but its so beautiful...

Wolfgang Weyrauch - Signale

Ich sah dich, und ich sah dich nicht,
ich seh dich nicht und seh dich doch,
ich sah dich nie und seh dich noch,
denn dein Gesicht ist mein Gesicht,

denn meins ist deins, und du bist ich,
und ich bin du. Wir sind die Welt,
und wenn die Lava niederfällt,
denkst du an mich, denk ich an dich.

Translation:

Signals

I saw you, and I did not see you,
I do not see you, but I do,
I never saw you, and I still see you,
for your face is my face,

and mine is yours, and you are me,
and I am you. We are the world,
and when the lava falls,
You’ll think of me, I’ll think of you.


in my eyes, the ultimate love. wow, i really need to get rid of this emotional phase.

blues

im having a bad bad case of "the blues". and for once, amazingly, its not even connected to J. because what im missing right now is something he never gave me anyway.

i want to be in love. but not just any love - i want that allconsuming love, i want my head to spinn, i want wine and sun and i want him to serenade me by the lake, and i want him to love me just like i love him, i want him to look at me and forget that any other women exist in this world, i want to know every crease on his body, even in the dark, i want my heart to bleed if i must spend even 5 minutes apart from him, i want candlelight dinners and spontaneous roadtrips, just to see the sun set at the seaside, i want to dance in the snow and dance in the rain and lie in his arms looking up at the stars and never be alone again.

no, J. could never have given me that. but then again, who can?

in love with a dream

just typed up a long entry, then decided its probably best kept to myself. but the long story told short is:
i had the sweetest kiss yesterday, and now, i cant stop thinking about the guy, although it was supposed to be casual, as usual, but the whole experience was just so... magical. and i really really want it to happen again.

and hey, guess what - he's out of my reach. as always. BUGGER.