some dizzy thoughts

now it may be because i spent a little too much time with my dear friend martini tonight, but im feeling rather talkative. i just got back from an 18th birthday, and actually i was feeling rather non-talkative all evening. but now i feel talkative.

for one thing, i felt really old tonight. i mean, most people there were kinda my age, maybe a year below or above. but all of them were either still in school (most of them in their last year) or working/doing apprenticeships or whatever its called when youre in that 3-year-process of learning a job. but none of them, absolutely none of them, was a university student. man, i felt old.

also, iv been thinking about this whole "Samson-affair". (there is this guy i kissed in a club last week, and iv decided to call him samson in this blog, cos it kinda suits him).
yes. hes hot. yes, i loved the way he kissed me, the way he touched me. yes, i cant stop thinking about him since.

but really, i think, i just like the idea of being loved, desired, of loving someone. i miss being close to someone, and i miss those hormones. between wednsday last week and monday i was high on hormones, but seeing him at uni on monday brought me back to earth, and iv been kinda down since. yeah, we had a good time. no, nothing is gonna develop from it. right now, i feel its a shame. but actually, its probably for the best. like i said, its not really that hes all that amazing... oh, actually he is. well, hes great in many ways. but not so great in others. and really bad in even more ways. but he did one thing - he made me feel rather good about myself.

i wonder.... how much of how we think about ourselves is really what other people see in us?
if i know people find me sexy - i feel sexy. fact. it makes me feel good about myself, to know guys want me. and although im really not that desperate for sex, what i do long for are those casual touches, that, for me, are the most important part of a relationship. those things you do, without even truly noticing. that slight brush of the hand.... yes, thats the thing i truly miss.

simplicity.

ooops, i think there is quite a bit of drunken rambling involved in this post. oh nevermind. alcohol causes honesty, and really, i plan to be totally honest here. i mean, where else?!