awkward

so.... this guy i made out with two weeks ago is currently at the house of the guy with whome i mad out with a week ago.

AWKWARD.

i just really really hope neither of them mentions it... i doubt the first will, he has his reasons for secrecy, but im worried the second might, and i really dont want the first to know, because....well, hes the guy from three posts ago, "in love with a dream" . and although iv kinda given up on that, i cant quite forget it, and i really really wouldnt want him to think im a slut....

but am i? i really dont know...

no, i dont think so. im just a lost soul searching for.... well, what? because really, i dont get much out of most of my "encounters"... (wow, this sounds like they happen daily... they dont! about twice a month, more like)
anyway - i dont usually get much happiness, apart from "in the moment" obviously. but afterwards, i usually end up feeling all the more empty. either, in most cases, because i usually realise that nobody can fill the gap that joe left, how ever hard i try to forget. sometimes, as is the case of mysterious nr. 1, because i had the feeling he might possibly manage, but then had to face the fact that no, it wasnt going to happen. not in this life. and that just ripes open the hole just a little bit deeper.

so really, why do i do it?

i guess i just dont want to give up hope... i guess i just want to be proven wrong.

hey, mr perfect, if youre out there - youd better get here fast, before i DO give up on you!